Juggling Hats

I could NOT believe as I logged in today that my last post was nearly a year ago.  Epic fail...that's all I have to say about that.

But honestly, who has time for blogging? And is there really any point? The past year has been about raising and growing babies (we welcomed our third daughter on September 16th, 2011), running a household, being a good wife (most of the time), a good daughter (most of the time) and a good friend (again...most of the time).  Then somewhere in between all of that I squeeze my job/ministry in and all of the responsibilities that come with that.  Juggling hats.

Most moms do this to varying degrees whether you are a mom that stays at home with your children...or a mom that works full time outside of the home.  You are constantly juggling the demands, needs, wants and expectations of others.  At any one time you are expected to wear 2, 3 or even 4 hats and do it effortlessly and perfectly.  What a load of crap. Yet despite knowing that, I still try.

Yesterday a good friend and colleague offered to help me as I physically juggled multiple bags and a heavy baby in a car seat all while struggling to find my keys in the rain.  I sarcastically laughed off his offer and said those famous words "No, I got it".  Once we were all safely buckled in the van (yes, I am now a minivan mom...what's it to ya) he pointed out that he thought I liked being a martyr.  Only because I love this person dearly and value his opinion did I not immediately deliver a tongue lashing.  I laughed it off and said something to the effect of "I'm just so used to doing it on my own...yada yada yada".  However, later those words were still nagging me.  Not only do I not take help when offered (and it isn't very often) but I almost NEVER ask for help.  Why...what's wrong with needing help.  I instruct my 4 year old daughter multiple times a day to ASK for help when she needs it. It's such a simple, juvenile concept and yet I seem to need to go back to childhood and RELEARN this lesson.

In the Bible it is very clear that Jesus, Lazarus and his two sisters, Mary and Martha were friends.  Not just occasional acquaintances, but close friends.  Jesus spent time in their home and they were comfortable with one another. There is one account where Jesus and his disciples arrived at the home of Lazarus and his sisters around meal time. This is what went down:

"She (Martha) had a sister called Mary, who also sat at Jesus' feet and heard His word.  But Martha was distracted with much serving, and she approached Him and said, 'Lord, do You not care that my sister has left me to serve alone? Therefore, tell her to help me' And Jesus answered and said to her, 'Martha, Martha you are worried and troubled about many things.  But one thing is needed, and Mary has chose that good part, which will not be taken from her'" (Luke 10:39-42)

Martha and her sister had very different personalities.  Martha was likely the older sister, feeling a sense of duty and responsibility to others, particularly her siblings. Martha was also the more assertive and outgoing of the two sisters, feeling comfortable with welcoming others into her home and approaching Jesus directly.

Mary, the little sis, on the other hand seemed to be in my opinion a little less diligent and was easily distracted from the task at hand. However, she was a worshiper to the core.  She sat at Jesus' feet, soaking in all he had to say and after Lazarus was raised from the dead she "took a pound of costly oil of spikenard, anointed the feet of Jesus, and wiped His feet with her hair" (John 12:3).

I have long known that I tend to be a Martha.  If there is a job to be done, you will likely find me in the middle of it making sure it is completed. I often take on tasks that aren't even mine to own or worry about. I can become so incredibly focused on the "stuff" that needs to get done that I miss the opportunities that are right in front of me to grow, learn and refresh.

Yet, I have the longing to be a worshiper. My heart aches to sit and soak in all that God has blessed me with. To take a quiet moment to sit and listen. Listen for what God wants in my life.  Listen to His whispers of love. Listen to Him breathe.  Just listen.

Personally, I think Martha probably went back to the kitchen, muttering under her breath, FUMING mad and finished the task at hand.  I really don't know if she got it. But what would have happened if just for a moment she had put down her dishtowel, forgot about the food simmering on the stove, the dishes in the sink and the bread baking in the oven and had just listened.  What amazing knowledge would Jesus have shared with her?  What peace would have filled her heart? If she had only taken a moment to sit at the feet of her savior...and listen.

This brings me back to my original question.  What's the point of blogging?  Certainly not to impart some piece of knowledge or to portray that I have it all together.  That is most definitely not the case.  But perhaps to share with others in the struggle to find a better balance between the Martha and Mary within each of us.  May we be the amazing, multitasking women that God made us to be...all while remembering to ASK for help and to take moments to just listen.

Redirect

I often find myself using the technique of redirection with my children.  For my 9 month old it is very easy.  She does not have object permanence yet, so simply removing the obstacle, temptation or danger does the trick.  It is literally out of sight, out of mind.  For my three year old it isn't as easy.  She or the item cannot simply be moved or removed and it is a done deal.  She remembers what she wanted and since reasoning and rationale have not fully developed in her, this often leads to a tantrum.  She doesn't have the foresight to see why jumping from the furniture, onto an exercise trampoline in socked feet is a recipe for disaster.  Nor can she understand why eating copious amounts of candy is not a grand idea. Yes, redirection for my three year old takes a bit more finesse and thought.

I realized recently that when it comes to redirecting, I am much more like my three year old than my 9 month old.  I remember what I wanted and why I wanted it so when God redirects my life a tantrum often ensues.  No, I rarely throw myself on the floor, kicking and screaming, but the anger and defiance is just the same.  I cannot tell you how many times I have been redirected and I defiantly stomp back to the very thing I know I should not be doing and press the issue again.  OR, I walk away but I am seething in anger because I am not getting what I want.  How juvenile!  And yet, time and time again as I gain a little distance between myself and the situation I realize just how much I need to be redirected.  Maybe the situation was a dangerous one and God had my well-being in mind.  Or perhaps the outcome He had in mind was far better than the one from MY path.  And other times, I have to wait on the reason for the redirection. (this is perhaps the most frustrating of them all...again I am not a good waiter)

Regardless of His reasons for redirecting my path, it is always for my good.  Always.  Romans 8:28 says '...in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to His purpose'. So why do I fight it? Why can I not see exactly what His redirection truly is...an opportunity to be in the CENTER of His will?  Instead of defiance and anger, this should be met with thankfulness and love.  He can see the big picture where I can see only my present circumstances.

Unfortunately, I cannot be like my 9 month old; out of sight, out of mind.  Nor do I want to be. I do not want to simply be redirected and forget or not notice the valuable lesson that God is teaching me.  Instead, I want to choose to be redirected and realize how amazingly lucky I am that Jesus loves me enough to stop me from running full speed ahead toward the edge of the cliff.

My Story

I thought I'd start by adding my story.  As I get older, I realize how important a person's story is.  What led them to this place in their life.  What makes them who they are.  And most importantly, how God is using their story and past.

I fear I would lose some of you if I gave every last detail of my childhood, so here is the readers digest version.  My parents divorced when I was 7 and ultimately both remarried. I spent the majority of my childhood and adolescent years attempting to have a close relationship with my father that never seemed to live up to the picture I had in my head.  You see, there was a picture of what my life was supposed to look like.  At the age of 18 if you had asked me it would have gone something like this: Finish high school, go to college, get my Master's, start a career, meet a wonderful Christian man, get married, start a family and be wildly successful at both work and home.  All the pieces of the picture were in perfect order and it seemed like a great picture.  The only problem was that it was MY picture.

In college I met my husband, Ben.  I guess that was when I first realized God had another picture in mind.  We did finish our degrees before getting married, and I did apply to and start graduate school.  It was slightly out of order, but I just rearranged a few things and was back on track.  Then, about 4 months into my 26 month intensive graduate program I found out we were expecting our first child.

I scrambled to rearrange the picture again.  I had to make the pieces fit. I finished graduate school with the help of my amazing husband.  The pieces were slightly different now, but I was still on track to have the picture I had always had in my head.

Part of that picture was to start a private counseling practice when I completed my M.A. in counseling.  I finished and at this point my picture took a huge hit.  Financially, there was no way for me to quit my job, fund the start up costs of a new practice and ultimately live with little to no income while it got off the ground.  What now? I was frantically shuffling the pieces of my picture to determine my next move when I was given a very clear picture from God.

WAIT

What!?! I am not a good waiter.  I have very little patience and often live by the incredibly insightful saying 'Just Do It'.  I make decisions and then I jump into action.  Waiting seemed like such a foreign concept to me.  But I was in a corner. I had no choice but to wait and no matter how much I tried, the pieces of my picture no longer fit together.

For almost two years I waited, but what I found was that wait is not a passive term.  While I was waiting, God was slowly changing and preparing my heart.  It wasn't over night; it was subtle.  Because God knew the one thing that scared me more than the word 'wait' was 'change'.

In June of 2010 I heard an amazing sermon preached by Pastor Bill Rose where he spoke on gifts in ministry. At the end of that sermon, I knew my time to wait was over and I had to tell someone about the change that was happening inside of me. You see, God had been leading me to get out of my comfort zone; to do something that didn't come easy.  So that day I requested a meeting with my pastor.  I wasn't really sure what would come of it, but if I had learned anything over the past two years it was to not fight it and to go with God's picture.

I am now working for Impact Fellowship Church as the Director of Connections and Family Ministry.  If you had told me two years ago that I would be on staff at a church and home part time with my children I might have laughed.  Yet I am in awe of how much I love this new picture.  You see I believe that God not only gives us the desire of hearts, but He places the desire within us.

My story is not finished and GOD'S picture for my life is still evolving and changing.  That leaves a lot of unknowns.  But what I do know is that I want HIS picture and not my own.

What is your story? Where is God leading you? Do you need to wait? Or is he calling you to action? I'd love to hear your story.